when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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