she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
