I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
