Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
