My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
