I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It's just like the Real World with babies
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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