I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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