I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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