So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
