I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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