Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
