Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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