im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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