we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
