They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
