remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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