I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
