Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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