mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
