I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
