If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
