I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize