my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize