Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
