You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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