Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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