Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
