I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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