ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
