Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
