Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
