my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We need to rekindle our bromance
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
