guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
meet me or not, i'm out of control
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
