i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
