She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
