Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
