I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
