Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
