All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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