just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
