If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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