So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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