I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
