Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize