can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
