I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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