the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
