walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she looked like the before picture.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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