i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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