I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize