and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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