Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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