Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
