But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize