They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
