thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
