You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
