I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
