Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
