it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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